"I Don't Recognize Myself Anymore": What's Actually Happening to Your Brain in Perimenopause (And Why It's Not What You Think)
I walked into the kitchen last Tuesday and forgot why.
Not "oops, lost my train of thought" forgot.
FULL blank. Like my brain just... stopped.
I stood there, staring at the refrigerator, feeling my chest tighten, thinking: Am I losing my mind? Is this early dementia? What is HAPPENING to me?
And then I remembered something I'd been researching about perimenopause and brain reorganization.
This isn't decline. This is rewiring.
Let me explain what I mean and why this reframe might change everything for you, too.
THE THING NOBODY PREPARED US FOR
When I think about what my mom told me about menopause, I remember the hot flashes talk. The "your period will stop" talk. Maybe something about mood swings.
But nobody, not my mom, not my doctor, not ANY of the women who came before me mentioned this:
The part where you don't recognize yourself anymore.
The part where:
You walk into rooms and forget why
You can't find words mid-sentence (and you used to be GOOD with words)
You read the same paragraph three times and retain nothing
You look in the mirror and think: Who is this person?
You make decisions you would NEVER have made five years ago
You don't know what you want, who you are, or what you're even doing anymore
They called it "brain fog."
Like it's some inconvenient cloud that will pass.
But it's not fog. And it's not passing.
It's a full identity reorganization happening at the neural level.
And once I understood WHAT was happening, everything shifted.
WHAT'S ACTUALLY HAPPENING IN YOUR BRAIN (THE NEUROSCIENCE)
Okay, stay with me here. I'm going to explain the biology, but I promise to keep it real and relevant.
The Estrogen-BDNF Connection
During perimenopause, estrogen fluctuates wildly. And estrogen directly affects something called BDNF (Brain-Derived Neurotrophic Factor).
BDNF is like fertilizer for your brain.
It supports:
Neural growth (building new pathways)
Memory consolidation (storing and retrieving information)
Mood stability (emotional regulation)
Cognitive clarity (thinking, processing, decision-making)
When estrogen drops, BDNF drops.
Which means: Less scaffolding while your brain tries to reorganize itself.
Imagine trying to renovate a house while the support beams are disappearing. That's your brain right now.
The Neural Network Reorganization
Here's the part that blew my mind when I first learned it:
Your brain is literally pruning old neural pathways and building new ones.
The networks that held your identity, your patterns, your ways of being—some of them are being dismantled.
Not because you're broken.
Not because you're declining.
Because your brain is UPGRADING.
But during the upgrade? You lose access to some things temporarily.
Like walking into a room and forgetting why.
Like losing words you've used your whole life.
Like feeling like a stranger in your own mind.
The Default Mode Network Shift
There's a brain network called the Default Mode Network (DMN)—it's linked to self-perception, autobiographical memory, and identity.
Research suggests the DMN reorganizes in midlife.
Which means: The way you've been thinking about yourself for DECADES is literally changing at the neural level.
"I am someone who always has it together."
"I am the one everyone can count on."
"I am [whatever identity you built 20 years ago]."
Those neural pathways are loosening.
And your brain is asking: Who do you want to be NOW?
MY STORY: THE DAY I CALLED MY SON BY THE WRONG NAME
My son is almost 4. I've said his name thousands of times.
We were at the park. He was climbing on the structure, and I called out to him
And a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT NAME came out of my mouth.
Not even close to his actual name. Not a nickname. Not a slip of the tongue.
A totally random name that made NO SENSE.
He looked at me confused. I laughed it off. "Mommy's being silly!"
But inside? I was SPIRALING.
What is WRONG with me?
How do you forget your own child's name?
Am I getting dementia?
Am I broken?
Later that night, after he went to bed, I sat on the couch Googling "perimenopause brain fog" and "early onset dementia" (because that's what we do when we're scared, right?).
And I found study after study about perimenopause brain changes.
Not decline. Reorganization.
The brain prioritizes differently during this phase. It's clearing out old pathways to make room for new ones.
Sometimes that means you can't access information you "should" know—even something as automatic as your own child's name.
Not because it's GONE.
But because your brain is literally rearranging the filing system.
And suddenly, I could breathe again.
I wasn't broken. I wasn't declining.
I was REORGANIZING.
THE IDENTITY PIECE (THE PART NOBODY TALKS ABOUT)
But here's where it gets even deeper:
It's not just memory and words you're losing access to.
It's YOUR SENSE OF SELF.
I don't know how to explain this except to say it plainly:
Some days, I don't know who I am anymore.
The woman I was at 25? 30? Even 38?
She made sense. She had a plan. She knew what she wanted.
She was the achiever. The responsible one. The one who kept it all together.
And now?
I look at that woman and feel... distant from her.
Like she was a role I played. A costume I wore. A version of me that was built to survive, to be loved, to stay safe.
But not a version that was fully TRUE.
And as my brain reorganizes, as those old neural pathways loosen—
I'm left with this terrifying, exhilarating question:
Who am I when I'm not performing that role anymore?
THE REFRAME THAT CHANGES EVERYTHING
Here's what I've come to understand:
"I don't recognize myself anymore" isn't a crisis.
It's an EMERGENCE.
Your brain is not declining.
Your brain is UPGRADING.
It's clearing out the pathways that kept you small, compliant, performing, exhausted.
It's making space for something truer.
But you have to go through the void first.
The part where you don't know.
The part where you can't remember.
The part where you feel lost.
This is the transition.
And it's supposed to be disorienting. Because you're literally between two versions of yourself.
The woman you were (incredible, but exhausted).
The woman you're becoming (unknown, but TRUE).
This is the wild middle.
WHAT THIS LOOKS LIKE IN PRACTICE
The Brain Fog Isn't Random
When you can't find words, can't remember names, can't focus—
Your brain isn't FAILING.
It's reallocating resources.
During perimenopause, your brain is using MASSIVE amounts of energy to reorganize.
Think of it like a software update happening in the background while you're trying to use your computer.
Things run slower. Some functions are temporarily offline. It feels frustrating.
But the update is necessary.
The Identity Crisis Isn't a Crisis
When you look in the mirror and don't recognize yourself—
When you make choices that surprise you—
When you can't figure out what you want anymore—
You're not losing yourself.
You're MEETING yourself.
The version of you that existed before you learned:
That taking up space wasn't safe
That your needs were too much
That you had to shrink to be loved
That your power was a problem
That woman is emerging.
And she doesn't fit in the life you built for the woman you thought you had to be.
That's not a breakdown. That's a BREAKTHROUGH.
WHAT YOUR BRAIN ACTUALLY NEEDS RIGHT NOW
Here's what I wish someone had told me when this started:
1. Stop Fighting the Fog
The more you panic about forgetting, the worse it gets.
Because panic activates your sympathetic nervous system, which FURTHER reduces access to your prefrontal cortex (where memory retrieval happens).
Instead:
Write things down without shame
Use your phone for reminders
Let go of the expectation that you "should" remember everything
Give your brain the external support it needs while it reorganizes
2. Make Space for the Unknown
You don't have to know who you're becoming yet.
You're allowed to be in the question:
"Who am I now?"
"What do I actually want?"
"What feels true vs. what feels like performance?"
This isn't a problem to solve. It's a process to LIVE.
3. Support the Reorganization
Your brain needs:
Sleep (this is when neural pruning and building happens)
Regulation (stress suppresses BDNF)
Novelty (new experiences build new pathways)
Rest (your brain is WORKING—give it space)
You're not being lazy. You're INTEGRATING.
THE TRUTH ABOUT PERIMENOPAUSE BRAIN CHANGES
Here's what the research shows (and what I've experienced):
This phase typically lasts 4-10 years.
Not forever. But not a quick phase either.
The brain fog often IMPROVES post-menopause.
Once your hormones stabilize, many women report cognitive clarity returning (sometimes even sharper than before).
But the IDENTITY shift? That's permanent.
And that's actually the gift.
Because the woman on the other side of this reorganization?
She's not who you were at 25.
She's who you were ALWAYS meant to be—
Before the world taught you to shrink.
WHAT TO DO WITH THIS INFORMATION
If you're reading this and recognizing yourself in every paragraph—
If you've been scared that you're broken or declining—
If you've been white-knuckling your way through, trying to "get back to normal"—
Let me offer you a different story:
You're not broken.
You're not declining.
You're REORGANIZING.
Your brain is making space for the woman you're becoming.
And yes, it's disorienting.
And yes, it's uncomfortable.
And yes, some days it feels like you're losing your mind.
But you're not.
You're finding it.
THE BOTTOM LINE
The "I don't recognize myself anymore" feeling?
It's not a warning sign. It's a THRESHOLD.
You're standing between who you were and who you're becoming.
And your brain is doing exactly what it's designed to do:
Clearing out the old wiring so something truer can come alive.
This is perimenopause.
Not as decline, but as rewiring.
Not as an ending, but as an emergence.
Still wild. Just wiser.
That's the woman waiting on the other side.
